The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
