I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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