If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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