guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
