just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
