i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
