So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
