I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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