So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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