How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
