Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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