Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize