i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize