I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
