Your mouth is God's brothel.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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