this beer tastes like vomit already
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
