So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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