I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
