i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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