"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
