I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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