I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize