before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
