i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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