The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i out mim tonsoeep
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
