she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Randomize
