I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
