My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
