So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
