2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
