The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
