I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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