I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i love accidental penises.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
