Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
