They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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