You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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