Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
