As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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