my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
