I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
