I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
