my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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