Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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