was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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