I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
