the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
