At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
