watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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