didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
