my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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