I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
