I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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