then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
