I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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