Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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