i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
